Holy shit, my fucking asshole To-Do list!
Sorry… I swear for the stress relief.
I’m having a hard time with my To-Do list. My To-Do list is a little too long these days. You know how I know? Because *get a new vibrator* is on my To-Do list and I can’t seem to clear enough time and space to do that. (You may recall from a previous post that I lost my vibrator in a move and believe it now resides in the dingy office of the moving company I employed.) I realize that vibrators are available many places—even right here on this very internet. Yet, as I write these words… I am without vibration.
Ordering a vibrator online requires me to know where my laptop and wallet is, at the SAME time. I do not possess these kind of fancy, uptight, corporate, organizational skills. I am an ar-teest! I am also so *frustrated* that I’m about to cry. This is not a solicitation for personal sexual offers (I’m me and if I wanna get laid, I’ll get laid.), but it is a solicitation for a
vibrator NEW vibrator. You know, so I can scratch it off my To-Do list. It’s a long shot, but someone once told me that you never know what you’ll get until you ask. (Right back at you, someone.)
So while I’m making pleas for free sex toys I may as well give you some parameters…
Color: I like disco colors–blues, purples, greens, hot pink–and sparkles. No red, yellow, or flesh tones please.
Features: waterproof is nice; soft jelly exterior; multiple speeds; that rabbit-thing is fun but sometimes overkill; I don’t need a lot of bells and whistles or the latest technology, I’m more into the classics.
What else?… I don’t want something I can pass off as a “massager.” On the flip side, I don’t want anything advertised as “incredibly realistic.” If you’ve been reading this blog, you know better than to send me anything with balls. No balls.
I think that about does it. If I get a bunch of extras I will surely find good homes for them at my next Hot-Divorced-Chicks-Drinking-Club-Support-Group meeting. If you’d like to send me a new vibrator, please leave a comment below and I’ll be in touch.
(Note to self: put *rent post office box* on the To-Do list so I don’t end up with 47 vibrators delivered to my house. “Ding-dong! Dildo!” Btw, how awesome would it be to give my mail carrier one of the extras as a holiday gratuity?!)