WTF To Do List?

Holy shit, my fucking asshole To-Do list!

Motherfucker.
Sorry… I swear for the stress relief.

I’m having a hard time with my To-Do list. My To-Do list is a little too long these days. You know how I know? Because *get a new vibrator* is on my To-Do list and I can’t seem to clear enough time and space to do that. (You may recall from a previous post that I lost my vibrator in a move and believe it now resides in the dingy office of the moving company I employed.) I realize that vibrators are available many places—even right here on this very internet. Yet, as I write these words… I am without vibration.

Your grandma's vibrator.

Ordering a vibrator online requires me to know where my laptop and wallet is, at the SAME time. I do not possess these kind of fancy, uptight, corporate, organizational skills.  I am an ar-teest! I am also so *frustrated* that I’m about to cry. This is not a solicitation for personal sexual offers (I’m me and if I wanna get laid, I’ll get laid.), but it is a solicitation for a vibrator NEW vibrator. You know, so I can scratch it off my To-Do list. It’s a long shot, but someone once told me that you never know what you’ll get until you ask. (Right back at you, someone.)

So while I’m making pleas for free sex toys I may as well give you some parameters…

Color: I like disco colors–blues, purples, greens, hot pink–and sparkles.  No red, yellow, or flesh tones please.

Features: waterproof is nice; soft jelly exterior; multiple speeds; that rabbit-thing is fun but sometimes overkill; I don’t need a lot of bells and whistles or the latest technology, I’m more into the classics.

What else?… I don’t want something I can pass off as a “massager.” On the flip side, I don’t want anything advertised as “incredibly realistic.” If you’ve been reading this blog, you know better than to send me anything with balls. No balls.

I think that about does it. If I get a bunch of extras I will surely find good homes for them at my next Hot-Divorced-Chicks-Drinking-Club-Support-Group meeting. If you’d like to send me a new vibrator, please leave a comment below and I’ll be in touch.  

(Note to self: put *rent post office box* on the To-Do list so I don’t end up with 47 vibrators delivered to my house. “Ding-dong! Dildo!”  Btw, how awesome would it be to give my mail carrier one of the extras as a holiday gratuity?!)

Oh hell yeah! We are so doing this at my next backyard party.

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11 comments

  1. As a member of the “Hot-Divorced-Chicks-Drinking-Club-Support-Group,” I endorse this message.

    My vibrator is worn out. The speed toggle no longer works, but out of desperation I figured out that I can put both batteries in with the + side up and it will work (kind of.)

  2. Now this is more like the smut I was expecting in this blog! Vibrators! Yes!

    I relate to your swearing for stress. My Ukrainian son and I sometimes have competitions to see who can run off a longer string of profanity laced insults at the other. It was my dad who inspired this as he used to call me a “goddamn son-of-a-bitching bastard”. As you can imagine we do much, much better than that, usually involving all deviant sexual practices and ingestion of various bodily fluids, but to stay with tradition we always try to end with “bastard”, especially appropriate since apparently both our fathers appeared to think we were conceived by other men!

  3. I have to comment as well as a member of the Hot-Divorced-Chicks-Drinking-Club-Support-Group. My vibrator will not be attending the backyard races unless my agent orange 150 foot long grounded extension cord gets to cum too! I used those damned battery powered weaklings for years before I realized my ex-husband and ex-vibrator couldn’t do me without crapping out before the race was over. Super sad face 😦 So on I moved to the plug-me-in-the-wall-and-call-me-baby version. There is no place like home now!!!

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