In my previous post we established that I am completely nuts and place personal ads to generate material and sick entertainment for myself. And, like before, I feel it is important to provide a few disclaimers…
1. Don’t try this at home.
2. Prior to placing my ad, I researched the solicitation laws in my state to make sure I wasn’t accidentally becoming a prostitute.
3. I also checked to make sure I still had both arms (that’s an inside joke, sorry).
4. My sicko side is well-balanced with empathy and compassion for others. I like humans. I especially like the deep, dark, twisted, fucked-up parts that live within most, if not all of us. Okay, enough of the touchy-feely crap; on with the train wreck…..
Here is my craigslist ad:
Anyone up for a little role play?
Here’s the deal: I need a deck. I need a nice deck built by someone who knows what they are doing and will finish the job. This is not a euphemism for sex. I really need a deck and I can’t afford to hire someone. So, how about if I play the hot helpless housewife and you play the hot handyman? You bring your tools and wood (these are not euphemisms) and I’ll bring you sandwiches and lemonade ALL DAY LONG. (Again, NOT euphemisms; I’ll pee in the woods but not on you.). Who knows, maybe we’ll hit it off– but this mostly about a deck and anything beyond that is in NO WAY guaranteed. Also, I will take appropriate “potential serial killer” security precautions. Please reply with photo, resume and references.
So that was the ad. Yeah, yeah, I know; I’m a one woman freak show with bigger balls than brains. But apparently, cheapskate bitchy is hot and a so were a few of the guys who replied. I’m not saying they weren’t serial killers– I assume every man on craigslist is a serial killer. I’m just saying they were attractive serial killers.
My favorite response and subsequent exchange came from a dude I call Dud. (And by exchange I mean some truth, some artistic license– mostly in the form of editing content length because Dud was VERY long-winded.) Here’s how it went…
Dud: What the heck…I could build a deck. Sounds fun.
Me: Send me a pic?
Dud: Here’s my picture. So what are you like? I’m super hip and cool, 46 but look MUCH younger, I’m very peaceful and balanced, super successful and laid back, and I only shop in grocery stores that I can walk to in my Teva’s, which I wear 364 days a year. How about you?
Me:______________________________________________No response for a day because I was busy with a little thing called life, and because he wasn’t my type of artistic muse… or so I thought.
Dud: Were the pictures that bad? 🙂 Did I scare you off?
Me: No, they weren’t bad at all. I had a lunch/work meeting today and, as nuts as this sounds, I met someone who I believe will fill the deck position. Life is random and can change in the blink of an eye. (And harmless 1/2 truths that let a total stranger down gently are 100% morally acceptable, in my opinion.)
Beatrice (Bertha was the fake name I used in high school. See how much I’ve matured?!)
Dud: Yeah nuts. It’s almost unbelievable. Seriously?? You place a personal ad YESTERDAY and then you go to lunch and meet someone who you not only want to flirt with, not only date, but be EXCLUSIVE with?? Be real, honesty will set you free. It wouldn’t hurt me to say you didn’t like my pics, really. But good luck finding whatever it is you are searching for.
(Um… how did this guy jump from “position filled” to flirting, dating, and exclusivity? And why do men you reject online almost always accuse you of being dishonest and then end with “good luck finding what you’re looking for” when they really mean “fuck off?”)
Me: (Deep cleansing breath) You want honesty huh? I happen to be pretty good at honesty. Here goes: I placed the ad because I was bored (I don’t have the time or energy to date, but I am a little starved for attention) and experiencing some writer’s block. In addition to raising two kids and navigating what may be the nastiest divorce in recent history, I also work, volunteer at my kid’s school, maintain relationships with friends and family, write obsessively so I don’t go (completely) nuts, attempt to maintain the house I own– including a backyard that is on the verge of needing a heard of goats to mow it. To add insult to injury, I haven’t been able to find my vibrator since I moved last fall. (I’m guessing it’s either in one of the hundreds of unpacked boxes in my garage, or the movers I hired stole it and mounted it on the dashboard of their moving truck.) So as you can see, I have real, BIG, problems and no time to waste soothing the egos of angry, insecure, self-involved, peacefully balanced jerks. As for your photo, you are mildly attractive but not my type– honestly.
Good luck to you too,
And that was that.
So now what I want to say to Dud is, THANK YOU! Thank you for giving me an outlet to express a whole lot of “up yours!” that was bottled up inside of me for way to long. I feel SO much better now!