Month: May 2011

I’m That Guy

You know the kind of single guy who is average looking and nice enough (you’re friends) but also sort of a jerk (you wouldn’t set him up with a woman you respect) because he only wants to date really hot women? Sometimes you want to shake him and say “Have you looked in a mirror?! You aren’t exactly Brad Pitt; quit waiting for Angelina!” Annoying right? Well, I’m that guy. But I’m a chick.

In my defense: I’m delusional.

Additionally, in my mind’s eye, I’m a hardcore, top shelf, smokin’ hot hottie. I walk by mirrors and think “who is that fine-looking brunette amazon goddess? Look at that hair, those freckles, those long legs, that one dimple when I smile just right. Who on earth could resist that?! Who?”

Photo 241

Photographs (like the one below) tell a very different story. In photos I’m a tired, mushy, middle-aged mom who spends most of my life washing dishes, folding laundry, and waiting for Oprah to ambush me with a make-over.


Everything about this picture screams “I need a nap!”

I burn or delete (almost) all bad photos of myself. Problem solved….moving on.
I choose to believe the camera is the problem and that everyone else sees the me of my mind’s eye. It gets me through the day and out of the house. It also lets me to cling to the delusion that, when I’m ready to swim, the dating pool will be full of hot men just waiting to entertain me.

Something like this would do nicely:

This is Nick Tarabay, he’s an actor from the series Spartacus. I first noticed him on Crashwhere he played the hottest dirty-cop I’ve ever seen. (Coincidentally, I met Mr. Tarabay when we were vacationing at the same resort in Mexico. We were the only two people at the bar one afternoon and so I turned on the charm and said, “Aren’t you an actor? You play a really great asshole.” He laughed and said, “thank you.” Then, every other witty remark or coherent utterance flew out of my head and we spent 10 minutes in awkward silence. It was not hot.) 


I would also like to maximize my re-entry into the dating pool by fulfilling a few old fantasies:


I’ve been hot for Jimmy Smits since L.A. Law. I was too young to really understand the show or the tingly feeling I got every time Jimmy had a scene. (Clearly, I was at an impressionable age.) Now I give myself a mental high-five for having had great taste at such a young age. The shaky camera thing on NYPD Blue made me seasick, yet I watched religiously hoping for one more shot of his bare buns. His calm demeanor, sly grin, and sexy voice make my toes curl—-in a good way. Plus he’s kinda old now, so a fling with him might help me work through any left-over “daddy issues.” (I’ve learned from my mistakes with Nick and have a complete dialogue ready for my inevitable encounter with Mr. Smits.)

Tom Hanks in drag was my very first celebrity crush (preceding Kirk Cameron in Growing Pains and Corey Feldman in Goonies). Black curly hair, an impish grin, and true understanding of the cruelties inflicted upon women by the evil beauty industry. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Look at his “come hither” stare. Makes you want to peel the control-top pantyhose right off of him, doesn’t it?!

Now, I’m not totally off my rocker: I know my days as a MILF who can attract this level of hotness are numbered. Don’t worry, I have a plan. When I’m ready to get serious and settle down with a hot man of substance, any of the following types will do just fine:

 Chuck actor, Zachary Levi. I don’t watch Chuck, but I did become embarrassingly excited when I took my kids to see Tangled.

 Jim Halpert from The Office all dressed up for Halloween. *sigh*  


JILFs are big this year. I’ve had a thing for jewish men since I went on a date with one Tyler Benowitz freshman year of college. I’d take one of these bad boys any day….unitard and all!

So, loyal readers: keep your eyes peeled for funny, hot, dark and/or jewish men in drag or unitards and point them in my direction! Feel free to post your own hot photos in the comment section too! (I have no idea if all the link and photo sharing is kosher, but I’ll let you know when network execs contact me to discuss my very own tv pilot or lawsuit.)

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Fantasy Vs. Reality

Some things are just better in fantasy than reality.  Like dating.  I’m single now and when I let my mind wander down the dating road I always end up at the corner of Dread and What-the-fuck-is-the-point.  The obstacles between me and a man I actually want to spend a significant amount of my very limited free-time with seem HUGE.

First of all, I’m picky.  I want a hot, smart, geek, with a great sense of humor, pretty face, and impeccable personal hygiene who worships the ground I walk on. Your basic unicorn.

I’m also freaked out by how much relationship expectations have changed since I was last single. There is a lot more stuff on the table these days. Stuff that used to be kept at the back of a dark closet in a box with some fur-lined handcuffs, is now out and open for discussion on the first date.  I am not comfortable with some of this stuff and overwhelmed by the choices.  I am not prude (hello and welcome to my blog) but I’ve done and lived long enough to know what I like and what I don’t. Here’s the short list:

Threesomes:  A threesome between 3 single people is one thing, but in the context of a relationship?; no thank you.  The basic problem with a threesome is that everyone goes into it thinking they will be the meat in the sandwich and then gets their feelings hurt when they have to take a turn as a slice of bread. For me, the only purpose a threesome could serve in a relationship would be to end it.

Triad:  A triad is a threesome with delusions of grandeur. Some folks have decided that the solution to not getting what they need from their partner is to add another partner—full-time. I’m not here to judge; if this works for you that’s great, but it would not work for me. Three people in a relationship = three times the baggage, neurosis, and hair in the bathroom sink.  No thank you.

Open Relationship:  Um, I just got out of my own crummy marriage….why would I want to join yours?

Selection: According to the hundreds of online dating profiles for men within a 60 mile radius of me, “Grower” and “Glassblower” are the two most common professions among single men…of any age group.  Look, if you are a true artist and you own the glass-blowing business, we can talk.  But if Super High Me is your all time favorite movie and you grin every time you hear the word green, just leave me alone.

Porn:  Men who watch porn on a regular basis are bad in bed.  Really bad. What proof do I have?  Well I pretty much devoted the entire decade of my 20’s to research. Recently, a slightly more scientific study was done on the subject.  The basic conclusion is that porn is totally unrealistic and not educational.  (We needed a study to figure that out?)  Think of it this way: watching someone drive in a movie will not tell you everything you need to know to get behind the wheel and go.  You need to feel the clutch release and gas pedal uptake exchange for yourself to master the art of shifting. Driving is a symbiotic exchange between you and the car.  If you try to drive a real car like an action hero in a high-speed chase, you will crash and burn my friend. I have talked to many open-minded, uninhibited, sexually confident women about this subject and we all agree: porn junkies are lame in the sack.

Kinky shit: “Erotic might be a feather… kinky is the whole chicken.” I don’t want a whole chicken anywhere except on my dinner plate with a side of veggies. Unfortunately all the porn watching has made too many people think that now is the time to cross fisting and tea-bagging off their bucket list. You know what’s on my bucket list: having a normal fucking relationship with an emotionally engaged man who can mostly take care of himself and me too once in a while. I’d like to try that—just for shits and giggles.


Rejection Happens -or- Dude! Where’s my Vibrator?

In my previous post we established that I am completely nuts and place personal ads to generate material and sick entertainment for myself.  And, like before, I feel it is important to provide a few disclaimers…
1. Don’t try this at home.
2. Prior to placing my ad, I researched the solicitation laws in my state to make sure I wasn’t accidentally becoming a prostitute.

3. I also checked to make sure I still had both arms (that’s an inside joke, sorry).
4. My sicko side is well-balanced with empathy and compassion for others.  I like humans.  I especially like the deep, dark, twisted, fucked-up parts that live within most, if not all of us. Okay, enough of the touchy-feely crap; on with the train wreck…..

Here is my craigslist ad:

Anyone up for a little role play?
Here’s the deal: I need a deck.  I need a nice deck built by someone who knows what they are doing and will finish the job. This is not a euphemism for sex.  I really need a deck and I can’t afford to hire someone. So, how about if I play the hot helpless housewife and you play the hot handyman?  You bring your tools and wood (these are not euphemisms) and I’ll bring you sandwiches and lemonade ALL DAY LONG. (Again, NOT euphemisms; I’ll pee in the woods but not on you.).  Who knows, maybe we’ll hit it off– but this mostly about a deck and anything beyond that is in NO WAY guaranteed. Also, I will take appropriate “potential serial killer” security precautions. Please reply with photo, resume and references. 

So that was the ad. Yeah, yeah, I know; I’m a one woman freak show with bigger balls than brains. But apparently, cheapskate bitchy is hot and a so were a few of the guys who replied.  I’m not saying they weren’t serial killers– I assume every man on craigslist is a serial killer. I’m just saying they were attractive serial killers.  

My favorite response and subsequent exchange came from a dude I call Dud. (And by exchange I mean some truth, some artistic license– mostly in the form of editing content length because Dud was VERY long-winded.) Here’s how it went…

Dud:   What the heck…I could build a deck.  Sounds fun.

Me:  Send me a pic?

Insert mental image of Dud.

Dud:  Here’s my picture.  So what are you like?  I’m super hip and cool, 46 but look MUCH younger, I’m very peaceful and balanced, super successful and laid back, and I only shop in grocery stores that I can walk to in my Teva’s, which I wear 364 days a year.  How about you?

Me:______________________________________________No response for a day because I was busy with a little thing called life, and because he wasn’t my type of artistic muse… or so I thought.

Dud:  Were the pictures that bad? 🙂 Did I scare you off?

Me:  No, they weren’t bad at all.  I had a lunch/work meeting today and, as nuts as this sounds, I met someone who I believe will fill the deck position. Life is random and can change in the blink of an eye.  (And harmless 1/2 truths that let a total stranger down gently are 100% morally acceptable, in my opinion.)
Take care,
Beatrice (Bertha was the fake name I used in high school. See how much I’ve matured?!)

Dud:  Yeah nuts. It’s almost unbelievable.  Seriously??  You place a personal ad YESTERDAY and then you go to lunch and meet someone who you not only want to flirt with, not only date, but be EXCLUSIVE with?? Be real, honesty will set you free. It wouldn’t hurt me to say you didn’t like my pics, really.  But good luck finding whatever it is you are searching for.

(Um… how did this guy jump from “position filled” to flirting, dating, and exclusivity? And why do men you reject online almost always accuse you of being dishonest and then end with “good luck finding what you’re looking for” when they really mean “fuck off?”)

Me:  (Deep cleansing breath) You want honesty huh?  I happen to be pretty good at honesty.  Here goes: I placed the ad because I was bored (I don’t have the time or energy to date, but I am a little starved for attention) and experiencing some writer’s block. In addition to raising two kids and navigating what may be the nastiest divorce in recent history, I also work, volunteer at my kid’s school, maintain relationships with friends and family, write obsessively so I don’t go (completely) nuts, attempt to maintain the house I own– including a backyard that is on the verge of needing a heard of goats to mow it. To add insult to injury, I haven’t been able to find my vibrator since I moved last fall. (I’m guessing it’s either in one of the hundreds of unpacked boxes in my garage, or the movers I hired stole it and mounted it on the dashboard of their moving truck.)  So as you can see, I have real, BIG, problems and no time to waste soothing the egos of angry, insecure, self-involved, peacefully balanced jerks.  As for your photo, you are mildly attractive but not my type– honestly.
Good luck to you too,

Beatrice

And that was that.

So now what I want to say to Dud is, THANK YOU!  Thank you for giving me an outlet to express a whole lot of “up yours!” that was bottled up inside of me for way to long.  I feel SO much better now!

Love,
Beatrice

Idle Hands…

Last weekend, in an effort to cure my writers block and give myself some much-needed sick entertainment, I placed a personal ad on Craigslist. Before we go any further I feel the need to post the following disclaimers:

1. I do not endorse or recommend this activity.
2. I had/have no intention of actually meeting anyone from Craigslist.
3. I set up a completely anonymous email account for my communications and used a fake name in my replies.
4. I warned everyone I corresponded with that I was a writer fishing for material.
5. Yes, I realize how nuts this makes me look and, obviously, I don’t care. 

Here’s the ad:
Cute lesbian trapped in cute straight girl’s body seeks hot lesbian trapped in hot straight man’s body. 

So what did I get? Respondents mostly fell in two categories:
1. Freaky porn-junkies hoping I was their unicorn.
2. Normal guys who were as bored as I was and/or thought the ad was funny.

I’m not going to share anything from the normal guys because I said I wouldn’t and normal isn’t very entertaining. The rest is fair game. Here is my favorite response, followed by my reply:

Dear Trapped,
So this is why i have never really enjoyed the blow job thing…puts me to sleep…now if you lick my all day sucker my juices will flow…spent significant part of my career as an interior decorator. was the first feminist on my block…female sensitivity sometimes gets me some strange looks because my look is very much a brutally handsome man but my female instincts have almost always been the dominant part of my being, although most people will disregard  my creative skills and be overwhelmed by my male presence. it is something I have been able to do okay with but when women realize the macho thing is something they are projecting and my fem side throws then off…but they do discover that the macho man is really tuned to their desires because of such a strong empathy level……please show me something about you…we might have some exceptional times together.
Larry (not his real name)

Dear Larry,
Okay, it’s late, I’m very tired and a bit tactless; so I’m sorry if what I’m about to say offends….
Your email was the coocooest one I received in a very specific way. You see, I received lots of emails from porn-junkies who thought I’d be impressed by, 1) a picture of their junk taken with their camera phone in a public restroom, or 2) Several poorly constructed sentences graphically detailing their sexual prowess and/or preferences (mostly oral). By far the scariest has been from a police officer who sent all of the above and a photo of himself in his squad car. I will never violate another traffic law as long as I live. Ever. But I digress…

I was telling you why your email is the coocooest. Right, okay so there are the porn-junkies and then there have also been a couple/few seemingly normal, reasonable human being, non sex-offender types. Two types of men; two types of emails. Do you see where I am going with this?

Your email starts out all porny and then goes right into “spent significant part of my career as an interior decorator.” ?????? No segue, no pause. Plus, “now if you lick my all day sucker my juices will flow” is a confusing statement. What is an all day sucker? I mean, normally I would assume it was your penis, but your previous sentence clearly stated your dislike of BJs. Did you leave out a word? If so, I’d like to know which word…because I think it might be important to the overall meaning of the sentence.

So, are you are a creepy porn-junkie or a normal, slightly confused, human being? Enquiring minds want to know.  Enquiring minds would also like to see a photo of what “brutally handsome” looks like, as well as some examples of your interior design work. I happen to need interior decorating assistance, among other things.
Yours truly,
Beatrice (my super hot fake name)

I’ll spare you Larry’s lengthy ALL CAPS reply by summing it up:
1. An all day sucker is a large flat lollipop that requires licking instead of sucking and takes all day to consume. Once again my hippie health food upbringing cripples my comprehension of normal childhood experiences! Thanks Mom.
2. Larry is too unique to be pigeon-holed into one of my narrow categories. However, his ALL CAPS, eight paragraph response suggests he fits nicely into my unmentioned third category: General Wacko.
3. Brutally handsome is from the Eagles “Life in the Fast Lane.” (I totally should have known this from all the Eagles records my dad tortured me with).
4. Larry’s looks are so good that they are “beyond comprehension for most people.” (So maybe he sent a photo and I just couldn’t comprehend it?) He sometimes has to bust out his acting skills just to put people at ease. (You know, now that I’m giving this a second look, Larry sounds pretty good.)
5. He couldn’t find coocooest in the dictionary, I misspelled a few words, and neglected to use spell check in my reply to him, so I can kiss my writing career goodbye! (Larry 1, me 0.)
6. Larry’s design work can be viewed in any Motel 6 up and down the west coast.

Stay tuned for our next episode: When Good Rejection Happens to Bad People, featuring Mr. Totally Zen New Age Dude…