My friend Bekah says that all women should create a personal list of rules for being in a relationship and hand them out to all potential suitors. (She also says it’s never too late to make up some shit — even if you’ve been with the same person for years.) I decided to take a stab at my own list… and because I am compelled to overstate everything, it’s turning into more of a reference guide…
Chapter 1: Navigating the Crazy
1. Jennifer likes lots of verbal affirmation and reassurance.
2. Affirmations are like money in the bank.
3. The more money you put in the bank, the easier life feels– less worries & stress; more relaxation and “fun-time.”
4. Examples of affirmations include:
a. “I like you.”
b. “You look so pretty today.”
c. “You’re fun.”
d. “I can’t believe I get to spend the whole day with you!”
e. Holding her hand under the table in restaurants.
f. Putting your hand on her back in social settings. (This one doubles as reassurance when Jennifer is experiencing social anxiety.)
g. Initiating spontaneous hugs and cuddles.
h. “What is a smokin’ goddess like you doing with a goofball like me?”
i. “I miss you.” (This one is especially effective when employed during a phone call from the grocery store where you are buying her some donut holes.)
j. “Come here and give me some sugar!” (This is not a reference to the donut holes; those belong to her.)
5. Reassurance is mostly necessary during periods of conflict or anxiety. (Periods of anxiety typically occur between the hours of 8 a.m. and 2 a.m.)
6. During times of conflict, Jennifer becomes anxious and assumes you mostly hate her.
7. There is no direct correlation between the severity of the conflict and how much she thinks you hate her.
8. If, during conflict, you remind Jennifer that you like her and aren’t going to dump her and then tell all of your friends how bat-shit crazy she is, the duration of said conflict will likely be significantly shortened.
9. If you are in conflict with Jennifer, sandwiching a valid criticism between, “I like you” and “I think you’re beautiful” will make it MUCH more palatable. (If your criticisms are invalid… please see the “Picking up the Pieces of Your Ego After Jennifer has Finished a Head-bobbing, Finger-waiving Rant” section in chapter 17.)
10. Dating Jennifer is a lot like dating Miss Piggy. Good luck, Kermit!
Coming soon… Chapter 2: Why Crazy Chicks are Better in Bed.