I Like the Backyard Party

Like my title? I love the idea of some greasy porn junkie wading through all my foul-mouthed feminist whining looking for the money shots. Anyway…

My backyard party (can 4 people be called a party?) yielded more inspiration than I could have ever hoped for (without serious health or legal consequences, that is). Much of the inspiration was due to my brilliant foresight (located just above the foreskin) to buy the latest copy of Cosmopolitan magazine.

What in holy-hell happened to the magazine I read in high school? I mean, not that I thought it was good (even then I knew it was air-brushed bullshit), just that….was the sex advice always so nasty and graphic? I remember a lot more euphemisms and romance. Well, at least it’s still misogynistic. Some traditions stand the test of time. In this months issue of Cosmo, readers can learn all about “His 6 Secret Sex Spots.”

Yep. Because female sexual empowerment is all about pleasing your man. Anyway, here are the tips:

1. Think of his shaft… like the outer curve of you breast.  They spend 2 paragraphs on the ground-breaking news that men like it when we touch their junk. They also describe, in detail, how to give both a BJ and a Handy J. I don’t know how I feel about that info being in Cosmo; mostly I’m just saying I do not remember reading it  when I was 16. Have times changed or do I have amnesia?

2. Think of his testicles… like your nipples.  I’d rather not think of his testicles, thank you very much. I have worked long and hard to convince myself I am only seeing a penis when I look down there I and I will not allow some bullshit magazine ruin that delusion. I gagged 4 times before finishing this sentence when I read the following “tip” out loud to my girlfriends:  “Pull the skin away from his jewels (please, they don’t sparkle) with your thumb and forefinger (*verp*) and lightly massage.”  Yeah. That’s not happening.

3. Think of the base of his penis… like your pubic mound.  Okay this one had some merit and real-world application. To save myself from being sued by the media giant, I’m going to suggest you pick up a copy of Cosmo if you want the details.

4. Think of the head of his penis…like your clitoris.  Knock, Knock? Hello, 17, 24, and 38 year-old women who read Cosmo? Can your boyfriend/husband find YOUR clitoris? Can YOU find your clitoris? I think we should start there. Let’s make sure everyone is on the same page and experiencing consistent results before we move on to how we can make sure that his (virtually guaranteed) orgasms are even better. 

5. Think of his perineum (you may know it as taint) like your G-spot.  Please refer to answers 2 and 4. I know where my G-spot is and I’m pretty sure that makes me enough of a minority to receive a college scholarship. 

6. There was no 6. Stupid fucks. They should pay me to write AND edit that ridiculous mess. 

The moral of the story is…. humans; we have been having the sex since the dawn of time and we still don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. We are a very stupid animal. 



  1. I once read a Cosmo article titled something idiotic like ’50 ways to THRILL your man TONIGHT!!’ and it was essentially 50 descriptions of a blow job. (For a new sensation, try using your *left* hand this time.” “Surprise him with a blowjob in the car – while parked, of course!” “Greet him at the door wearing nothing but your sexy new thong – and give him a blow job” You get the idea.)

    Newsflash: men like blow jobs. Thanks Cosmo! I had no idea. Now who is this man that can withstand 50 blow jobs in one night….?

  2. I don’t think any of my girlfriends or wives ever read Cosmo. Have you ever watched the kissing scenes in the movies? Well, most movies are directed by guys, right? And the woman (in the movies) usually puts her hand up around the back of the guy’s neck or head when they kiss. I think guys really like this, maybe it reminds them of mom when they were a little kid, who knows? So why doesn’t Cosmo have an article about that? And why did no one ever do that with me when we kissed; I mean it seems like just by accident it would have happened one or more times!

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