My Ponycorn Wish List

Here is yet another online personal ad I came across:

I have all the qualities most women should like and appreciate in a man. I love my kids and take care of them. I have a job. I have all of my own teeth and they are real. I don’t live with my mom, I have my own place. I don’t do drugs. I have never been arrested (not saying i haven’t had fun, I just never got caught). I have a great smile. I will open your door for you. And I’m a nice guy.

Every online dating site I’ve ever seen has no less than 2452 ads that sound exactly like this. Apparently, according to these ads, all we women should want in a man is someone who has a job, takes care of kids, has a nice smile with all the original teeth, isn’t a junkie or on parole, and will open doors for us. Hmm……………… Based on countless conversations I have had with myself and other single women, I feel there may be a very large gap in our culture between what women want and what men think women should want. And I’m pretty sure nobody is getting laid (at least not well) in that gap.

You can’t be a smart, straight, single woman without, asking yourself if being partnered with a man requires some sacrifice of standards, expectations, self-respect, and emotional need. Well maybe you can, but I can’t. I can’t because, based on years of research, observation, and analysis, I believe that my chances of finding a sensitive, emotionally evolved, intelligent, funny, hot, straight man who is great in bed, are about as good as finding a ponycorn (1/2 pony, 1/2 unicorn).

Whenever this topic comes up in conversation (which is often when women and alcohol get together), I hear the same refrain: “You can’t have everything. Nobody is perfect. You have to give something up if you want to find love.”

I don’t know if I agree or disagrees—it probably depends on the day. But what I find interesting is which item from my Ponycorn Wish List people think I should give up. Many have suggested I give up Hot. Here’s the thing: when I say hot, I do not mean arm candy. I don’t give a flying fig if any other person on the planet finds my man hot—I only care if I find him hot. Physical chemistry is very important and a relationship without it just doesn’t work for me.

So what’s left?

Intelligent
: Someone recently suggested to me that intelligence (in men) is highly overrated as far as relationships go. I’m not willing to take it off the list entirely, but I am willing to be more flexible and open-minded with my definition of intelligence.

Sensitive/Emotionally evolved
: I’m torn on this one–on the one hand I really want it, on the other hand I think it’s right up there with “dude with 4 arms.” Total fantasy. Perhaps I should replace it with: Someone who at least knows they are not emotionally evolved and is willing to poke fun at himself about it and take direction.

Funny
: No one has ever suggested I take funny off the list. Huh. That’s funny.

Hot/Great in Bed
: Yes, I’ve already talked about this, but it warrants double mention. Look, I know physical attraction and hot sex don’t last forever and are not enough to make a relationship succeed. But I also know it’s an important thing for me and I want to enjoy it while it’s there. Life is short. The real struggle with this one is how particularly we all define great sex. That and… what woman with 2 kids in her late-thirties has the time or energy to test drive every hot rod on the lot?

What’s on your list? Have you found everything on it in one person or have you made compromises? And how’s that working out? Tell me….I gotta know!?
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4 comments

  1. Your timing is perfect – I was just thinking about this last night. (OK, so any timing at all would be perfect since I’m thinking about it a lot lately.) I narrowed my Must list down to three (in order!)
    1. Kind
    2. Funny
    3. Good in bed (actually, I’d prefer “Great” or “Amazing”, but I’ll settle for “Good”)

    The two that came off my must list and were moved to my “preferred” list are
    4. Smart
    5. Handsome

    My reasoning: If a man is a gentle soul who can make me laugh AND he’s good in bed, I don’t care if he can debate international politics or make genome chit chat. And handsome came off the must list because, while handsome men are nice to look at, I don’t plan to have any more babies. It just doesn’t matter anymore if his perfect symmetry signals genetic superiority, because I don’t need his good genes. (And besides, I just prefer to be the more attractive half of a pair. Call me vain, it’s true. I am.)

    As for a good job: who cares?? I can make my own money. I’d rather he be happy in a dead-end job, than rich and miserable (making me miserable along with him).

    There you have it. I’ll just sit back and wait til he comes along, now…. 😉

    1. There’s a line from the movie “Alfie” with Michael Caine that goes something like…”If you want to get a single woman into bed, make her feel pretty. If you want to get a married woman into bed, make her laugh.” So true, so true.

  2. OK it has occurred to me that it’s nearly impossible for a person to be funny without being smart… unless you’re into potty humor. So I guess I kinda cheated with that one.

    (And can I just say that I LOVE that your blog comment box has a spell-check feature?!)

  3. Never, never give up hot! Take it from someone who knows; my wife is 25 years younger than me, most people thinks she has a hot body, and I have absolutely no interest in sex with her. So, yes, chemistry is very important; that comment about “good in bed” above sounds like talking about good technique, i wouldn’t settle for great technique, that’s not it.

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