You know the kind of single guy who is average looking and nice enough (you’re friends) but also sort of a jerk (you wouldn’t set him up with a woman you respect) because he only wants to date really hot women? Sometimes you want to shake him and say “Have you looked in a mirror?! You aren’t exactly Brad Pitt; quit waiting for Angelina!” Annoying right? Well, I’m that guy. But I’m a chick.
In my defense: I’m delusional.
Additionally, in my mind’s eye, I’m a hardcore, top shelf, smokin’ hot hottie. I walk by mirrors and think “who is that fine-looking brunette amazon goddess? Look at that hair, those freckles, those long legs, that one dimple when I smile just right. Who on earth could resist that?! Who?”
Photographs (like the one below) tell a very different story. In photos I’m a tired, mushy, middle-aged mom who spends most of my life washing dishes, folding laundry, and waiting for Oprah to ambush me with a make-over.
I burn or delete (almost) all bad photos of myself. Problem solved….moving on.
I choose to believe the camera is the problem and that everyone else sees the me of my mind’s eye. It gets me through the day and out of the house. It also lets me to cling to the delusion that, when I’m ready to swim, the dating pool will be full of hot men just waiting to entertain me.
Something like this would do nicely:
This is Nick Tarabay, he’s an actor from the series Spartacus. I first noticed him on Crash, where he played the hottest dirty-cop I’ve ever seen. (Coincidentally, I met Mr. Tarabay when we were vacationing at the same resort in Mexico. We were the only two people at the bar one afternoon and so I turned on the charm and said, “Aren’t you an actor? You play a really great asshole.” He laughed and said, “thank you.” Then, every other witty remark or coherent utterance flew out of my head and we spent 10 minutes in awkward silence. It was not hot.)
I would also like to maximize my re-entry into the dating pool by fulfilling a few old fantasies:
I’ve been hot for Jimmy Smits since L.A. Law. I was too young to really understand the show or the tingly feeling I got every time Jimmy had a scene. (Clearly, I was at an impressionable age.) Now I give myself a mental high-five for having had great taste at such a young age. The shaky camera thing on NYPD Blue made me seasick, yet I watched religiously hoping for one more shot of his bare buns. His calm demeanor, sly grin, and sexy voice make my toes curl—-in a good way. Plus he’s kinda old now, so a fling with him might help me work through any left-over “daddy issues.” (I’ve learned from my mistakes with Nick and have a complete dialogue ready for my inevitable encounter with Mr. Smits.)
Tom Hanks in drag was my very first celebrity crush (preceding Kirk Cameron in Growing Pains and Corey Feldman in Goonies). Black curly hair, an impish grin, and true understanding of the cruelties inflicted upon women by the evil beauty industry. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Look at his “come hither” stare. Makes you want to peel the control-top pantyhose right off of him, doesn’t it?!
Now, I’m not totally off my rocker: I know my days as a MILF who can attract this level of hotness are numbered. Don’t worry, I have a plan. When I’m ready to get serious and settle down with a hot man of substance, any of the following types will do just fine:
So, loyal readers: keep your eyes peeled for funny, hot, dark and/or jewish men in drag or unitards and point them in my direction! Feel free to post your own hot photos in the comment section too! (I have no idea if all the link and photo sharing is kosher, but I’ll let you know when network execs contact me to discuss my very own tv pilot or lawsuit.)