I’m That Guy

You know the kind of single guy who is average looking and nice enough (you’re friends) but also sort of a jerk (you wouldn’t set him up with a woman you respect) because he only wants to date really hot women? Sometimes you want to shake him and say “Have you looked in a mirror?! You aren’t exactly Brad Pitt; quit waiting for Angelina!” Annoying right? Well, I’m that guy. But I’m a chick.

In my defense: I’m delusional.

Additionally, in my mind’s eye, I’m a hardcore, top shelf, smokin’ hot hottie. I walk by mirrors and think “who is that fine-looking brunette amazon goddess? Look at that hair, those freckles, those long legs, that one dimple when I smile just right. Who on earth could resist that?! Who?”

Photo 241

Photographs (like the one below) tell a very different story. In photos I’m a tired, mushy, middle-aged mom who spends most of my life washing dishes, folding laundry, and waiting for Oprah to ambush me with a make-over.


Everything about this picture screams “I need a nap!”

I burn or delete (almost) all bad photos of myself. Problem solved….moving on.
I choose to believe the camera is the problem and that everyone else sees the me of my mind’s eye. It gets me through the day and out of the house. It also lets me to cling to the delusion that, when I’m ready to swim, the dating pool will be full of hot men just waiting to entertain me.

Something like this would do nicely:

This is Nick Tarabay, he’s an actor from the series Spartacus. I first noticed him on Crashwhere he played the hottest dirty-cop I’ve ever seen. (Coincidentally, I met Mr. Tarabay when we were vacationing at the same resort in Mexico. We were the only two people at the bar one afternoon and so I turned on the charm and said, “Aren’t you an actor? You play a really great asshole.” He laughed and said, “thank you.” Then, every other witty remark or coherent utterance flew out of my head and we spent 10 minutes in awkward silence. It was not hot.) 


I would also like to maximize my re-entry into the dating pool by fulfilling a few old fantasies:


I’ve been hot for Jimmy Smits since L.A. Law. I was too young to really understand the show or the tingly feeling I got every time Jimmy had a scene. (Clearly, I was at an impressionable age.) Now I give myself a mental high-five for having had great taste at such a young age. The shaky camera thing on NYPD Blue made me seasick, yet I watched religiously hoping for one more shot of his bare buns. His calm demeanor, sly grin, and sexy voice make my toes curl—-in a good way. Plus he’s kinda old now, so a fling with him might help me work through any left-over “daddy issues.” (I’ve learned from my mistakes with Nick and have a complete dialogue ready for my inevitable encounter with Mr. Smits.)

Tom Hanks in drag was my very first celebrity crush (preceding Kirk Cameron in Growing Pains and Corey Feldman in Goonies). Black curly hair, an impish grin, and true understanding of the cruelties inflicted upon women by the evil beauty industry. Mmm, mmm, mmm! Look at his “come hither” stare. Makes you want to peel the control-top pantyhose right off of him, doesn’t it?!

Now, I’m not totally off my rocker: I know my days as a MILF who can attract this level of hotness are numbered. Don’t worry, I have a plan. When I’m ready to get serious and settle down with a hot man of substance, any of the following types will do just fine:

 Chuck actor, Zachary Levi. I don’t watch Chuck, but I did become embarrassingly excited when I took my kids to see Tangled.

 Jim Halpert from The Office all dressed up for Halloween. *sigh*  


JILFs are big this year. I’ve had a thing for jewish men since I went on a date with one Tyler Benowitz freshman year of college. I’d take one of these bad boys any day….unitard and all!

So, loyal readers: keep your eyes peeled for funny, hot, dark and/or jewish men in drag or unitards and point them in my direction! Feel free to post your own hot photos in the comment section too! (I have no idea if all the link and photo sharing is kosher, but I’ll let you know when network execs contact me to discuss my very own tv pilot or lawsuit.)

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7 comments

  1. I’ll take Jack Black any day. I met him once, threw myself at him, then did the dumbest thing, introduced him to my husband. Dope!

  2. That first guy was an asshole! After your great first line he shoulda been carrying the ball.

    Jennifer, i would like to take this moment to thank you for occupying some really empty space for me today; and i’d like to assure you that even though I have gone through practically your entire blog today that i do not intend on stalking you. There are too many time zones between us, in more ways than one.

      1. Yes, hard to believe that I’ve been here over 5 years. I thought I was smart retiring early here with the lower cost of housing plus I would find some beautiful young babe to marry me. Ha, ha, I’ve got pretty much what I deserve, a shrew of a wife who is slowly taking every cent I have and a zero sex life! But don’t think the old man doesn’t still have a few tricks up his sleeve…..

      2. Wow Harley, you sound bitter. I’m guessing that you found my blog while trolling porn sites and that, perhaps, your lack of sex life is the result of too much porn (please see my post Fantasy vs. Reality) and not enough respect and active appreciation for the woman you married. Good luck with all that….

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