Fantasy Vs. Reality

Some things are just better in fantasy than reality.  Like dating.  I’m single now and when I let my mind wander down the dating road I always end up at the corner of Dread and What-the-fuck-is-the-point.  The obstacles between me and a man I actually want to spend a significant amount of my very limited free-time with seem HUGE.

First of all, I’m picky.  I want a hot, smart, geek, with a great sense of humor, pretty face, and impeccable personal hygiene who worships the ground I walk on. Your basic unicorn.

I’m also freaked out by how much relationship expectations have changed since I was last single. There is a lot more stuff on the table these days. Stuff that used to be kept at the back of a dark closet in a box with some fur-lined handcuffs, is now out and open for discussion on the first date.  I am not comfortable with some of this stuff and overwhelmed by the choices.  I am not prude (hello and welcome to my blog) but I’ve done and lived long enough to know what I like and what I don’t. Here’s the short list:

Threesomes:  A threesome between 3 single people is one thing, but in the context of a relationship?; no thank you.  The basic problem with a threesome is that everyone goes into it thinking they will be the meat in the sandwich and then gets their feelings hurt when they have to take a turn as a slice of bread. For me, the only purpose a threesome could serve in a relationship would be to end it.

Triad:  A triad is a threesome with delusions of grandeur. Some folks have decided that the solution to not getting what they need from their partner is to add another partner—full-time. I’m not here to judge; if this works for you that’s great, but it would not work for me. Three people in a relationship = three times the baggage, neurosis, and hair in the bathroom sink.  No thank you.

Open Relationship:  Um, I just got out of my own crummy marriage….why would I want to join yours?

Selection: According to the hundreds of online dating profiles for men within a 60 mile radius of me, “Grower” and “Glassblower” are the two most common professions among single men…of any age group.  Look, if you are a true artist and you own the glass-blowing business, we can talk.  But if Super High Me is your all time favorite movie and you grin every time you hear the word green, just leave me alone.

Porn:  Men who watch porn on a regular basis are bad in bed.  Really bad. What proof do I have?  Well I pretty much devoted the entire decade of my 20’s to research. Recently, a slightly more scientific study was done on the subject.  The basic conclusion is that porn is totally unrealistic and not educational.  (We needed a study to figure that out?)  Think of it this way: watching someone drive in a movie will not tell you everything you need to know to get behind the wheel and go.  You need to feel the clutch release and gas pedal uptake exchange for yourself to master the art of shifting. Driving is a symbiotic exchange between you and the car.  If you try to drive a real car like an action hero in a high-speed chase, you will crash and burn my friend. I have talked to many open-minded, uninhibited, sexually confident women about this subject and we all agree: porn junkies are lame in the sack.

Kinky shit: “Erotic might be a feather… kinky is the whole chicken.” I don’t want a whole chicken anywhere except on my dinner plate with a side of veggies. Unfortunately all the porn watching has made too many people think that now is the time to cross fisting and tea-bagging off their bucket list. You know what’s on my bucket list: having a normal fucking relationship with an emotionally engaged man who can mostly take care of himself and me too once in a while. I’d like to try that—just for shits and giggles.


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5 comments

  1. Lalalalala… I can’t hear you….
    When are you going to write about how Fucking GREAT it is to be single with kids these days? That’s what I need to hear! You’re scaring me! 😉

    1. Can anything really compare to the soul-crushing horror of a bad marriage? Oh, and some cute college guy flirted shamelessly with me on Saturday. There, does that help?

  2. I like “hello and welcome to my blog” — I can totally hear you saying that! I was happy to come home from work and find a posting from you because I was going through withdrawal!

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