Idle Hands…

Last weekend, in an effort to cure my writers block and give myself some much-needed sick entertainment, I placed a personal ad on Craigslist. Before we go any further I feel the need to post the following disclaimers:

1. I do not endorse or recommend this activity.
2. I had/have no intention of actually meeting anyone from Craigslist.
3. I set up a completely anonymous email account for my communications and used a fake name in my replies.
4. I warned everyone I corresponded with that I was a writer fishing for material.
5. Yes, I realize how nuts this makes me look and, obviously, I don’t care. 

Here’s the ad:
Cute lesbian trapped in cute straight girl’s body seeks hot lesbian trapped in hot straight man’s body. 

So what did I get? Respondents mostly fell in two categories:
1. Freaky porn-junkies hoping I was their unicorn.
2. Normal guys who were as bored as I was and/or thought the ad was funny.

I’m not going to share anything from the normal guys because I said I wouldn’t and normal isn’t very entertaining. The rest is fair game. Here is my favorite response, followed by my reply:

Dear Trapped,
So this is why i have never really enjoyed the blow job thing…puts me to sleep…now if you lick my all day sucker my juices will flow…spent significant part of my career as an interior decorator. was the first feminist on my block…female sensitivity sometimes gets me some strange looks because my look is very much a brutally handsome man but my female instincts have almost always been the dominant part of my being, although most people will disregard  my creative skills and be overwhelmed by my male presence. it is something I have been able to do okay with but when women realize the macho thing is something they are projecting and my fem side throws then off…but they do discover that the macho man is really tuned to their desires because of such a strong empathy level……please show me something about you…we might have some exceptional times together.
Larry (not his real name)

Dear Larry,
Okay, it’s late, I’m very tired and a bit tactless; so I’m sorry if what I’m about to say offends….
Your email was the coocooest one I received in a very specific way. You see, I received lots of emails from porn-junkies who thought I’d be impressed by, 1) a picture of their junk taken with their camera phone in a public restroom, or 2) Several poorly constructed sentences graphically detailing their sexual prowess and/or preferences (mostly oral). By far the scariest has been from a police officer who sent all of the above and a photo of himself in his squad car. I will never violate another traffic law as long as I live. Ever. But I digress…

I was telling you why your email is the coocooest. Right, okay so there are the porn-junkies and then there have also been a couple/few seemingly normal, reasonable human being, non sex-offender types. Two types of men; two types of emails. Do you see where I am going with this?

Your email starts out all porny and then goes right into “spent significant part of my career as an interior decorator.” ?????? No segue, no pause. Plus, “now if you lick my all day sucker my juices will flow” is a confusing statement. What is an all day sucker? I mean, normally I would assume it was your penis, but your previous sentence clearly stated your dislike of BJs. Did you leave out a word? If so, I’d like to know which word…because I think it might be important to the overall meaning of the sentence.

So, are you are a creepy porn-junkie or a normal, slightly confused, human being? Enquiring minds want to know.  Enquiring minds would also like to see a photo of what “brutally handsome” looks like, as well as some examples of your interior design work. I happen to need interior decorating assistance, among other things.
Yours truly,
Beatrice (my super hot fake name)

I’ll spare you Larry’s lengthy ALL CAPS reply by summing it up:
1. An all day sucker is a large flat lollipop that requires licking instead of sucking and takes all day to consume. Once again my hippie health food upbringing cripples my comprehension of normal childhood experiences! Thanks Mom.
2. Larry is too unique to be pigeon-holed into one of my narrow categories. However, his ALL CAPS, eight paragraph response suggests he fits nicely into my unmentioned third category: General Wacko.
3. Brutally handsome is from the Eagles “Life in the Fast Lane.” (I totally should have known this from all the Eagles records my dad tortured me with).
4. Larry’s looks are so good that they are “beyond comprehension for most people.” (So maybe he sent a photo and I just couldn’t comprehend it?) He sometimes has to bust out his acting skills just to put people at ease. (You know, now that I’m giving this a second look, Larry sounds pretty good.)
5. He couldn’t find coocooest in the dictionary, I misspelled a few words, and neglected to use spell check in my reply to him, so I can kiss my writing career goodbye! (Larry 1, me 0.)
6. Larry’s design work can be viewed in any Motel 6 up and down the west coast.

Stay tuned for our next episode: When Good Rejection Happens to Bad People, featuring Mr. Totally Zen New Age Dude…


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2 comments

  1. OK the thing about Larry’s reply that really stands out for me is, “I was the first feminist on my block”… In [insert your liberal hippie city here]? Really?? How is that even possible? Is he 103 years old?? (References to “all day suckers” and the Eagles confirm this.)

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